Two posts in one day!! Hah. I'm at Stevenson cafe and should be studying for my Unit test tomorrow (Japanese) but of course I'm just browsing the blogosphere... spent the past 10 minutes reading about Heidi Montag's new plastic surgeries... T-T soo terrible (both Heidi's makeover and my terrible fascination with trashy tabloid fodder)... Anyway, I remembered this conversation I had with Erendina a few days ago about interracial marriage and reproduction (aaahhahaa sounds so fucking sterile). I had told her a few days before that about my doubts about fitting well with a Korean guy, but I realized it wasn't even just about a KOREAN guy! IT was about EVERY GUY!!!!!!!! It just happens to be that most of the guys I know well are Korean. and they're actually pretty decent compared to the other douchebags I've not befriended. I have REALLY high standards for getting to know white people, I just realized (RIGHT THIS INSTANT). Most white guys I just kinda toss aside as unimportant and unworthy of my time/ attention- not because I hate them more or anything like that- just because I feel like they can take it more. I can't do it so crudely to black or latino guys because I don't want to propagate the racist Asian stereotype, and I can't do it to Asian guys because they're like.... family. Hahaha... Also, a higher percentage of white guys tend to gross me out. I'm always paranoid that they're more likely to see me less as a real person and therefore are disrespecting me. And the thing I can't stand most is being disrespected or reduced in any form.
You know what, I think the problem is... I'd like to definitely be friends with a guy before I get romantically involved with him, but I've only let myself be friends with Asian guys because honestly, they're the only guys I've felt were totally okay with JUST BEING FRIENDS (NO STRINGS (sex) ATTACHED). Other guys might be totally cool and fun to hang out with, but it's hard to feel safe around them because there's always this other expectation that seems to loom above the relationship.
But then again, once I peg a guy as a friend, it's hard to see them as anything but that... (ok it happened once in high school but that was a horrible judgment call during a horribly confusing time in my life and he wasn't that great of a friend nor was he that great of a person and I'd like to say i want it to be erased from all of history but then i wouldn't be better off now so... yeah, it's cool...)
(Also, to read about my problem with korean guys, check out one of the entries below.)
Basically, I need to meet a great guy who I'm totally comfortable around AND find sexually attractive! sounds simple enough, no?
...
Yeah, I've pretty much given up on that dream (for now!)
Every guy I find sexually attractive is someone I barely know and more a sloppily idealized caricature than a real person.
It's okay, I'm only 21! I might sound like a bitter realist but I'm actually quite an optimist. just... an optimist with a different set of expectations and dreams, I suppose.
Sorry I talk so much about relationships and boys. It's funny because I am in NO situation to date or so for the next few years, but I like thinking about these things so I'll be prepared for whatever life throws at me (over-thinking might also be the reason why I have so many issues, but.. hey, I can't help myself. and I'd much rather be an over-thinker than an... under-thinker ^^).
Also, I kind of have a mini-crush on someone but it's mostly innocent and a totally unrealistic desire (which provides the safety net for me to like him without getting too serious / hurt in the process), so I get reminded of these things.
But it is uncommon that this is my third year in college and I've yet to connect with anyone on a romantic level, right? Hm... my mom is glad about this because she thinks very lowly about the guys at Santa Cruz. Hahahhahaa (a few years back, I totally got her to cut the shit and admit to me the biggest reason she wanted me to go to an Ivy league was because of better marriage prospects...). She'd love for me to marry a conservative Christian Korean doctor and live in a clean suburb (or some ritzy white/Jew/Asian area *Ahem*Hancock Park) and have the perfect little children. I wonder if she's even considered whether her ideal guy for me would ever want to marry a quack like me??!?? HAH omg that should totally be my new argument against her... "HELLO, mom? what kind of normal, successful man would want to marry a crazy bitch like me?" HAhaha no... She'd probably slap me (using only her eyes) and tell me to then fix myself so he will find me attractive or something else similarly appalling. heh.
I think she forgets sometimes that she's really lucky to be in a relationship with a Korean man who's interesting, smart, actually loves her, respects her, and still finds her attractive. And that money is no guarantor of those qualities.
Oh fuck. the original point of my post was the conversation I had with Erendina! oops.
Err, what I told her was that even if I don't think I fit well with a Korean guy I wouldn't want my kids to not be Korean!!!! like... if they didn't look Korean, that would freak me out!! I want my kids to be chinky and yellow, goddamn it!
Erendina's response? she told me to marry a Korean guy first, get his babies, divorce him and then marry a white guy. HAHAHHAHAAA.
I was like... and what, tell my kids their biological Korean father was not good enough so I replaced him with a white one?!??? ahahhaaha. no.. we just like to say fucked up shit. it gives us the giggles.
lol... but seriously, I really don't want my kids to grow up being white. or even having the advantages of looking white! facing a little racism can be healthy! seriously. as long as they're raised in a secure and stable home environment, they should be able to endure some negativity/ insults and grow from them.
In addition to that small bit of (eventually rewarding!) suffering, I want them to be connected to their culture (KOREAN) on an intense emotional and psychological level- like it's in every fiber of their being- not just through reading about it or traveling there when they get older... because either way, they're going to be so inundated with American culture that I won't have to worry about them not being "American" enough or some shit like that. As 3rd generation kids, their default is American. It's my job to keep the "Korean" part of Korean-Americans thriving, no?
I swear, the perfect man is going to come along and something's gonna go wrong. I can feel it.
uhwaiiit.. what was that part about optimism again?
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