Of Christmas Trees And Infidels

It seems, It seems
That I can't shake those memories



I feel so unproductive. like I should be doing more work.

It's a weird period because not everyone's back home. so LA feels a little empty.
But it was good seeing some people today~ :) (esp my babygurrrl Silviaaaa)

I think I'm feeling more down because the weather's been dreary~. It's been raining since yesterday and it's supposed to continue for the next two days.
Funny because rainy days in Santa Cruz are so beautiful and invigorating but rainy days in LA just make me depressed and mopey.
Or they make me feel like I should just curl up in bed and read a good book/ watch DVDs but then I feel guilty- like I'm wasting my precious vacation days in LA cooped up. but it's stupid and illogical because I'd have a much more enjoyable time doing those activities indoors than anything else outdoors (under current weather conditions).

Anyhoo, I think I'm going to church tomorrow morning to help decorate the Christmas tree.
dunno how I feel about church. .. still.. so... weird...
It's nearly an intrinsic part of my being yet I'm so emotionally distant from it.
I see my visits back more as family reunions/ obligations. I love the people there and care a lot about the kids, but yeah... sometimes I feel like I need to separate myself more from the kids so as to not influence them into a downward spiral of confusion and depression like I experienced in high school. It's complicated because I don't believe in a lot of the things they're being taught, but I don't think it's in my place to tell them so, and I definitely do see the positive aspects of kids being raised in the church (as long as they're not being indoctrinated with hateful or disrespectful ideas- which are you know, NOT CHRIST-LIKE), so I just try to make small talk and refrain from spouting personal (anti)religious views.



2nd thing I don't know how to break to my dad: I don't want to marry a good little Christian boy to raise a good little Christian family with. sigh...

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