why do i have a feeling i'm going to die very sad and unsatisfied?
sometimes i wish i could just embrace religion and brainwash myself back into it just so i could bask in the warmth of delusional comfort, but i have too much pride for that.
logically i feel life at its core is truly unnecessary but due to the nature of social constructs and so forth i have responsibilities to take care of before i leave this world.
and i care too much about the emotional state of my family and friends to do something so hurtful.
but an accidental death...
if that were to happen, i would just hope everyone would not be sad, but rather understand that maybe i am better off that way.
not because i was raised wrong or had such terrible life experiences, but because my mind has become my own worst enemy. when i'm at a stage where i think happiness only lies at the cost of reality, but am not willing to give that up, then basically i'm admitting that i don't think i can truly ever be happy. right?
maybe in the future when my pride has worn down...?
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